Hamburger RBBD charts all the NFL owners

32 turds in one bowl

So you’re an owner of a Fantasy Football team, you’re probably wondering “How do I compare to the ‘real’ NFL owners?  I wonder how I stand up to the titans of industry? ”   (I know more than half of them at this point inherited their teams or bought established teams with huge inherited piles of cash, but lets pretend for a moment that they’re actual titans of industry).

WELL WONDER NO MORE!  Erik Hamburgers has devised a chart and scientific process to rate human beings across the dual axises of mental competency and popular opinion.  I did this because these are the only important human traits. The results are at the head of this post, but I’m sure a quick explanation of the process would help

Step 1 : The Data Set

For me, this was the owners of the 32 NFL teams.  Not the GMs, not the coaches, not the franchises themselves…just the owners.  There are some tricky ones like the Green Bay Packers being owned by Green Bay, the 49ers are owned by a bunch of people in the York family , and the Giants are owned by two guys 50/50.  So when it is more than one human being, I pretended that they inbred until there as only one of them (in math this is called finding the median).  For the Packers this math got OFF THE CHAIN.

Step 2 : The Field of Play

A big graph.  The vertical axis represents mental competency, ranging from deranged/irrational at bottom and totally logical/rational at top.  The horizontal axis ranges from despised at the left to beloved at the right.  This creates 4 quadrants that our points can reside in.  Despised/Rational (Brutus), Beloved/Rational (Santa), Beloved/Deranged (Cookie Monster) and Despised/Deranged (The Westboro Baptist Church).

Step 3 : The Process

For every single owner, I determined their S/R ratio.  (Sucks/Rules)  I googled “NFL *owner’s name* sucks” and then divided the amount of results by the number of results obtained from googling “NFL *owner’s name* rules”.  This ratio of Sucks to Rules gave me a general idea of how popular or unpopular the owners were.  From this, I plotted all the starting points on the Mental axis.  For the starting values on the Love axis, I scientifically placed them about where I thought they should be based on years of reading Peter King and Deadspin comment on them.

Next, I went to wikipedia and read up on every single owner.  This reading was done with a grain of salt, because I picture Jerry Richardson himself frantically scouring his wiki entry nightly.  All the entries present a pretty sanitized version of the owners, but it was a good jumping off point to adjust all the data one way or another.  (Like for instance you learn that Paul Allen might be an angel fallen from heaven.)

Following the wikipedia entries, I did 5 min of research on every owner.  5 min doesn’t sound like a lot but if you’re good at google you can dig up a lot of dirt.  If I have to explain how frantically searching for personal information/photos through google works then you might not be human.  With this newfound info I bumped all the data points again.

Lastly I contacted NFL fans.  I spoke to people in the sports industry, friends, and people that had no business influencing the process.  I very unscientifically applied their opinions and dismissed their opinions as I felt was beneficial to the process.   I found out that while I may love Al Davis, not many other people do – but all people agree that he is the barometer for insanity.  Universal accolades for the placement of Dan Snyder.

Oh and then I had to move a couple of points for formatting reasons.

Step 4 : The Results

Generally, the data set corresponds to a SW-NE line that makes a lot of sense.  If you’re deranged you’re rarely universally beloved, and if you’re rational you’re rarely universally despised.  The data did seem to cluster up a bit around “slightly rational” and “slightly beloved” and I think that makes sense as far as any large group of businessmen would be maybe a little less crazy and a little more social.

Is Zygi Wilf really more despised than the Yorks?  Is Bill Bidwill really slightly more rational than Randy Wood Johnson IV?  I could say “Hey, this chart is a rough guide and not meant to be taken super serious” but NO WAY JOSE, just look at the chart!  Look at the science and you will know the answers to your questions.  Please cite this chart as a fact whenever you need a football fact.

HAM

p.s. oh if you want to chart your own league, here’s a blank version: